Flavor

Living Fully

"Your dreams can come true. I'm living proof
of it.  I left home at seventeen and had
nothing but rejections for twenty-five
years. I wrote more than twenty-five
screenplays, but I never gave up."

Michael Blake
Author of Dances With Wolves
   

Buddy is a special part of our lives, a kitten who came to us afraid of everything.  Her life will show us the following four principles of growth:

* Growth is normal and natural.

* Mental Health involves being who you are.

* Growth requires a safe and supportive community.

* Your instincts guide your growth.

Buddy had been severely mistreated in the litter.  Then she was thrown away to live or die on her own.  These two events left her, like abused and neglected children, without a bond to any nurturing animal or person.

Contrast Buddy's life experience to that of a 'hand raised' kitten.  They are petted and held almost from birth.  This causes them to respond to people as if we are part of his or her litter.

Present, our other kitten, was like that.  He walked proudly around the house owning everything.  Being secure, he demanded the attention he 'felt' he deserved.  He would play with us, sit in our laps, and purr.

Buddy, on the other hand, was frightened of everyone and everything.  Her life consisted of hiding and secretly eating. Her seemingly unusual behavior was normal.

It was the natural result of what she had experienced as a newborn kitten.  She had no preparation for a relationship to people or to other cats.

At this point, we might assume that a better life for her was hopeless.  That is the commonly accepted point of view.  People might think that she was stuck where she was, and would live a limited life.

Most people assume that if someone is severely damaged at such a young age, they will not have a life.  Common 'wisdom' suggests that neglected babies will have to give up any happiness, futures, goals, hopes, dreams.

We simply allowed Buddy to be herself.  We placed no demands upon her to change, grow, or allow us to ‘help’ her.  She continued to hide and eat when no one was looking.

When she was approximately two years old, Buddy began going to her dish in the kitchen, eating, and purring when I walked into the kitchen.  She eventually allowed me to pet her at her dish.

Some time later she surprised us by suddenly jumping up on my sweater shawls when I lazily threw them on the couch.  Buddy now began nursing my shawls, purring loudly, and pushing her paws up and down on these blanket like garments.

How long she did this is anyone’s guess.  Months?  Years?  Because we did not try to change her, and simply accepted her, we did not track the time.

Some time later, she got up on my lap, and stayed there like glue every evening after work.  Here are the things she learned to do in her own way and at her own pace:  Lick my hands, play with our other cats, play with string, chase toys and another cat, and adjust to other people.

Buddy's life story can be an inspiration to us still.  She was living fully, growing, experiencing life, and learning new things until the day she passed away.  I'll summarize below some of the important ideas about growing that Buddy can teach us.

* Buddy had her own unique but normal and natural growth process.

* Buddy needed to be accepted as she was.

* When allowed to be herself, Buddy followed her own instinctual growth process.

*  Buddy grew at her own pace, which also came from inside her.

These principles apply to people, too.

References

1. US Department of Health and Human Services. Women and smoking. A report of the Surgeon General. Atlanta, Georgia: US Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, Office on Smoking and Health. Atlanta, Georgia, 2001. Available from: http://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/sgr/sgr_2001/index.htm

2. Sherrill-Mittleman D, Klesges R, Massey V, Vander Weg M and DeBon M. Relationship between smoking status and body weight in a military population of young adults. Addictive Behaviors 2009;34(4):400–2. Available from: http://www.livinglifefully.com/flo/floarticles.htm

3. Brook D, Zhang C, Brook J and Finch S. Trajectories of cigarette smoking from adolescence to young adulthood as predictors of obesity in the mid-30s. Nicotine & Tobacco Research 2010;12(3):263-70. Available from: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20083648, http://marlboroflavourplus.strikingly.com/

4. Filozof C, Fernandez Pinilla MC and Fernandez-Cruz A. Smoking cessation and weight gain. Obesity Reviews 2004;5(2):95-103. Available from: http://www.hot-cigs.biz/cigarettes/camel

5. Bradley D, Johnson L, Zhang Z, Subar A, Troiano R, Schatzkin A, et al. Effect of smoking status on total energy expenditure. Nutrition & Metabolism 2010;7:81. Available from: http://www.nutritionandmetabolism.com/content/7/1/81

6. Koc B, Bulucu F, Karadurmus N and Sahin M. Lower leptin levels in young non-obese male smokers than non-smokers. Upsala Journal of Medical Sciences 2009;114(3):165–9. Available from: http://informahealthcare.com/doi/full/10.1080/03009730902761631?cookieSet=1

When You See "Red"

When you are feeling angry at someone, what do you do?  Do you know how to express your feelings in ways that are clear and assertive?  Many folks don't.  For that reason, one of two things happens: they hold the anger in, and, as we all know, it sneaks out in strange and often inappropriate ways, or, they explode and scatter their unhappiness over everyone, perhaps, destroying relationships on the way!  Neither of these are healthy alternatives.

Anger is an arousal in the body that is triggered by frustration, fear or hurt.  As that arousal escalates, your body goes into the stress response.  When that arousal raises your heart rate to about 120 to 150 beats per minute, the blood from the frontal lobes of your brain, the centers of reason and logic, drains down to protect your vital organs.  This is not good news.  Why?  Because the more angry you become, the more unable you are to think clearly!  You have probably experienced that.  Just when you are at your loudest, wanting to deal the death blow to prove your righteous position, you cannot think.  Then, you often say one of the best things you'll ever regret!  Right?

When the body goes into arousal, notice.  If you are talking to someone at the time, think.  It is important to your well-being and the health of your relationships to answer this question: What do I want from this exchange?  If a potentially volatile volley of words, accusations, and threats are likely to erupt, leave.

No, this is not "running away from a fight."  This is just informed decision-making.  There is one important difference, though: tell the person that you are leaving and when you will return to discuss the issue.
  
This is the difference between being responsible and being a "hit-and-run" offender.  Take care of the relationship.  Do not abandon the other person.  Simply say, "I'm too angry now and I'm likely to say things I don't mean.  I'll be back in three hours and let's discuss this then.  If it is in the work setting, acknowledge your desire to work out the issue, and promise to get back to them within three hours to set a time to talk further.  This is not easy, but it is effective!

Why three hours or more?  Simple.  It takes a full ninety minutes for the blood to return to your centers of reason and logic and your heart beat to return to normal.  It makes good sense to wait and it demonstrates that you care about yourself AND the relationship.